Wednesday, November 7, 2012


I realized that I didn't explain myself very well in my last post. It is a confusing subject... Very hard for me to explain or put into words. (Sorry if this post leaves you more confused than the last.) There are two thoughts that seem to contradict.

I asked myself and answered: "Do I wish we had adopted an infant so we could avoid these (hard) conversations? NO!"
I realize that sounded a little harsh. I didn't mean I hate infants or wouldn't want the bother of infants. Nor does it mean I love having hard conversations. It just means that if we had gone the "infant" route we would have missed the chance to adopt Pierson and Maylin. God definitely called/shoved us into the older children/sibling cue. 
He had a plan for Traci and Adam. He had a plan for Yong-Sheng and Yu-Fong. He saw the two of them in need of a forever family. He saw us willing to adopt... He formed our family.

The fact is Pierson and Maylin weren't available for us to adopt as infants.
Even though my next statement was "Would I have brought Pierson and Maylin home earlier to save them from ever having to wonder about things like this. YES!
I would if I could have... but we couldn't. 
 If I could go back and change their life stories so that I could have been their mom from day one. I would in a heart beat. If I could take some of their past away by never letting it happen in the first place I would.
 But to even ask if I would throw any of this journey away to have another child with no past.
 Well... that is my absolute NO.  

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
June 2010. 3 months after they came home.
God's plan is a perfect one. Does my human heart want to make my children's lives easier. YES! Would I miss out on P and M so I had an easier parental role to play. NO WAY! 
 They have walked down a lot of paths together. Literally and figuratively. Since Maylin was born they have only been separated for 9 months. I am the third "mother" they have had (which pains me to say). There was/is their birth mother who they have no real memories of, their foster mother who they do remember but sometimes I think they wish they could forget. Not to mention the father figures in their lives haven't been what you call 'upstanding'.
 Is it a hard road for all of us... ? I guess it seems like the answer should be "yes".  But honestly loving them isn't hard. Sure their are moments of frustration. Who doesn't have those? But being a family seems so natural... so easy. I wouldn't change any of this journey for the world. Pierson and Maylin you are forever Loved By Choice.


Cassie said...

i love your honesty. i think all mothers wish we could erase any and all pain or sadness our children have experienced or will experience. it seems as if sometimes the hardest moments we face yield the most joy as a byproduct. i love seeing you and pierson and maylin together. y'all are a beautiful picture of family.

Kristi said...

While I enjoyed reading your further thoughts, I for one didn't feel you needed to explain further. You said it well in the previous post...

Anonymous said...

For what it is worth I completely agree with Kristi. There is no explanation needed to why you have the family you have. It should not need to be explained any more than why God gave me the children I have. Love of a mother is uncoditional. It does not matter when they became physically yours they were LOVED in your heart and mind before you knew their faces or their story. God planted that seed there for you to nurture and grow. It just happened to bloom and spout in another counrty. I keep thinking about the fable about the man with the heart like a quilt. It showed every hurt and pain like a patchwork quilt. However it was all the love he received and gave to others that made it truly beautiful. P and M will be like that. Their hearts may have some uneven patches from their past but all the love that you provide and that they give will make it a true work or art. God's patchwork!

Jordan Carl said...

Great post Traci. It seems to be a pretty real look at your process with some brutal and honest truth. Thanks for sharing.