Thursday, May 27, 2010

words can't express

My little buddy 'winning' at a game of horse shoes... It is hard to miss when you are standing right over it.

No, your eyes aren't fuzzy. Maylin is blurry. I find it hard sometimes to capture her any other way.
These two have captured my heart fully. That sounds so simple and obvious, but I feel like I have to say it out loud. Everyday I think I couldn't possibly love them more than I do right then, but everyday I am amazed by how much deeper that feeling goes.

Today I also caught myself mourning for them. I can't even begin to comprehend everything they have been through in their short little lives. All the changes they have endured. It makes me wonder if they fully understand that when I say "Wa Aei Ne Yon U.N." (not sure of the spelling of part of this but it means "I love you Always") that that really means ALWAYS. I guess I'll never really know how secure they feel with us right now. Do they think they'll just be with us until the next family is ready to take them home? I don't know? They were originally taken away from their biological family, put in a foster home, taken back to their biological family, taken away again, then they were in a foster home for two years. I know that this family loved them very much... but then they were taken away from them too... What must their little minds be going through.

One major hurdle we have overcome is that Pierson no longer feels the need to take everything with him every time we leave the house. When we first got them he stuffed his pockets and backpack full of everything he possibly could every time we went anywhere. I know that it was because he was afraid he wouldn't be back again. They left the foster home with just one little bag of things. I can't imagine all they left behind. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.
He also has slowed down his eating. He ate everything he could as often as he could. I believe he was making sure he was full all the time in case the unspeakable happened again. But today he actually turned down a snack. I about fell over! Maybe he is starting to trust me.

Maylin hugged my neck tonight, kissed me and said "Tank you Mowmee, I Lobe you". I was clipping her finger nails... I had to stop for a while and just enjoy the moment. That was the first unprompted "i love you" from her. My heart smiled deeply!

My heart still mourns for them and probably always will somewhat. I am finding myself not wanting them to speak English, not wanting them to stop slurping their noodles... I don't want them to lose their Mandarin, their culture and heritage. I don't know if anyone who hasn't adopted can fully understand what it is like, but I feel like a terrible person for taking them out of what they have always known. (I know this isn't a fully rational thought... but it is real to me.) This is a thought I may always struggle with to some degree. However I do know that God put them in our lives and we are their parents forever and that is not a mistake.

It is now 2:00am and I better get to bed. The kids sleep late, but not that late! When they wake up we are going to see Daddy at CCC staff training! We'll be gone for a few days, but we'll be back to the bloggy world before you know it.


Lindy said...

What a touching entry! Your little ones sound so resilient. I think it speaks so well of your parenting skills that they are letting go of some of the coping techniques they used when first home. And I'm glad they have one another for support.

Mickey said...

i think your words expressed it just fine!

Kristi said...

There's just nothing like that first unsolicited, "I love you!"